I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
