I accidentally burped into my bong.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
