dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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