Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
its liver damage thursday
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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