u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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