I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
