On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
