Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
