He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize