I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
