I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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