I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize