Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
