Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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