If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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