Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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