Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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