I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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