i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
