Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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