I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
