but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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