You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
