I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
