im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
