bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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