when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
