That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
