Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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