That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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