Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
