Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
