i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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