You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
