Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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