Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(941): View more from Florida

I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(509): View more from Washington

no you're not allowed back

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night

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(319): View more from Iowa

If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.

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(330): View more from Ohio

im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively

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(319): View more from Iowa

QUICK FAX ME THE BALL

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Not how faxing works at all btw

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