walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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