things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
