Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
