did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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