Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
