If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
