I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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