Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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