My entire life is one complicated drinking game
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This is classic penis vs brain.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
