If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
