OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
