Cold hands, warm shart.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
