I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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