So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
