I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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