so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
