My hand turned me down
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
