Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize