It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
